SURVIVOR - FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!
by GaMiNgFrEaK
Summary: Survivor gone wrong - A deserted island, a video camera, and the weirdest nutheads ever to exist! PG-13 (Close to being R) for cussing & sexual humor. R&R PLEASE!! DAY 4 UP - SURPRISE IN IT! Need reviews if you want day 5 to be posted!
1. The Survivors

SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!  
  
Who will be the last standing, in…SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!?  
  
Let's meet our contestants, shall we?  
  
A summoner from a village where no one lives…Eiko!  
  
A guard from Alexandria…Steiner!  
  
A pimp from a theater airship…Zidane!  
  
An…a…shit, a SOMETHING from the marsh…Quina!  
  
A furry, thin version of Quina with a pom-pom – I mean a moogle – It's Kupo!  
  
A 'cool dude' from the middle of nowhere…Amarant!  
  
And, lastly, a princess-gone-bad from Alexandria, Garnet, who wishes to be called 'Daggah-ho'!  
  
This is quite a damn dysfunctional group kids, and let's see how it goes! 


	2. Day 1

SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!  
  
Day 1  
  
FrEaK: (in deep voice) Now, here come the members of the Final Fantasy Survivor board…**pauses** --…  
  
EDDY, PLAY THE FRIGGIN DRAMATIC MUSIC ALREADY!  
  
Voice in background: Sorry. Shit.  
  
**Dramatic music plays, and slowly airship lands.**  
  
FrEaK: Yes, indeed, here are the seven survivors! But only ONE will be on this island in the end of 14 days! **pauses** What the hell? I only count six!  
  
(Zidane, Dagger, Steiner, Quina, Kupo, and Amarant get out.)  
  
FrEaK: What the hell? Where's Eiko?  
  
Kupo: **looks up at FrEaK, giggling** Well, you see, Quina was really hungry, so we drew straws, and…  
  
Zidane: Let's just say that she got…prematurely voted off.  
  
FrEaK: **slaps his face** Shit, you mean Quina ATE Eiko?  
  
Quina: Me hungry! They draw! Eiko lose! **pokes her belly with fork** Quina think Eiko in better place now!  
  
Dagger: To you, yeah – Eiko was my bitch, ho! Ya ATE my dang bitch, girl! You ain't gonna be laid by ME anymore.  
  
Zidane: Dagger, please shut up. We don't need any sex talk here.  
  
Dagger: Call me Daggah-ho, or you ain't my BITCH!  
  
Steiner: **steps in between them** Now, both of you calm down. Zidane, apologize for insulting Dagger. Dagger, apologize for trying to fuck Zidane.  
  
Zidane and Dagger: NEVER!!  
  
**Steiner, Dagger, and Zidane get into a fist fight**  
  
Dagger: Now neither of ya gonna be MAH bitches!  
  
Kupo and Amarant: Hmm…decisions…who should we vote off?  
  
Amarant: Hell, vote me off. I don't wanna be anywhere near this place any more.  
  
Quina: ME HUNGRY!  
  
**Amarant punches Quina with brass knuckles. Quina runs away, screaming.**  
  
Kupo: **twangs bon-bon** Amarant…Quina's running towards me…AAH!!  
  
**Quina picks up Kupo, and swallows him whole.**  
  
**Amarant rushes up, punches Quina in the stomach. Quina pukes out Kupo, along with blood and 2 partially digested frogs, then pukes up a flute, ribbon, and wing ornaments.**  
  
Kupo: Kupo! I know who I'M gonna vote out!  
  
FrEaK: Aah, nothing like the friendships made in day 1 of SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE! Now, we have to go to our commercial breaks. They last a minute, but they let us skip through 3 hours of shit! And with the stuff we have for you, it'll SEEM like 3 hours!  
  
**Commercials come on**  
  
**SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE comes back on**  
  
FrEaK: And we're back! Luckily, everyone's sleeping right now, and I must say – It's the quietest that this island has been for a long time!  
  
**Silence broken by Dagger**  
  
Dagger: Oh, Zidane, Zidane! Yes! Yes!  
  
Zidane: Dagger! Yes! Ooh, deeper, deeper!  
  
Dagger: Not until I get another 5 dollars for all this.  
  
Zidane: Crud. **Zips up pants, gets out**  
  
FrEaK: **Sighing** Aah shit, just forget about it. **Smiling again** Well, that's the end of day 1, folks! Enjoy, and tune in tomorrow! 


	3. Day 2 - Tribal Council

SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!  
  
Day 2  
  
FrEaK: Welcome back to SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!! This is day 2, and so far, things have been uneventful – THANK GOD. We would have them separated into 2 teams by now, but my hope is that if they all stick together, someone will be eaten and I'll be able to leave early. Everyone seems to have a hangover from the day before, and boy, does it show!  
  
Dagger: Fuck me.  
  
Kupo: No.  
  
Dagger: OK.  
  
FrEaK: Yes, even 'Daggah-ho' is too tired to get laid! This is quite a surprising turn of events, folks! The only person that doesn't seem to have a hangover is Amarant!  
  
Zidane: That's 'cause he's always like this, dumbass.  
  
Dagger: Shut up, my homey. Ya still owe me 5 dollars.  
  
Steiner: Princess, how COULD you lower yourself from royalty to a five dollar ho?  
  
Kupo: Yes, listen to Steiner, Daggah-ho. You should at least charge 20.  
  
FrEaK: Oh my, it seems that there's going to be another brawl!  
  
Dagger: Ya saying that I being too cheap a ho?  
  
Kupo: Yeah.  
  
Dagger: **slaps Zidane** You asshole! You were lying when ya said I wasn't worth more than 5!  
  
Zidane: Well, shit, it was all the money I had on me.  
  
Dagger: Then why did you fuck me twice?  
  
Zidane: Well…shit. Wrong question.  
  
Amarant: Listen, all of you shut the fuck up right now!  
  
Quina: Me hungry!  
  
**everyone stares at Quina**  
  
Quina: Uuh…err…me like Daggah-ho! **runs up and hugs Dagger**  
  
Steiner: NOO!! **Pulls out sword, attacks Quina**  
  
Dagger: Steiner, you fucking pimp! Ya fucking trying to kill Eiko?  
  
Steiner: Dagger, Eiko's already dead. You're just seeing things because of the 'Elixir' that Kupo sold to you.  
  
**Zidane stares at Kupo**  
  
Kupo: Well…I needed to get the drugs off me or the cops would catch me!  
  
Zidane: Look, Kupo, I don't give a fuck about that – tell me. How much did you sell them to Dagger for?  
  
Kupo: Umm…$1 an ounce. Why?  
  
**Zidane pulls out a 1-dollar bill**  
  
FrEaK: **Sighing** This is just sickening. **Pauses** Wait! I know how to get them to shut the hell up! **Turns around to everyone** HEY!! TIME FOR THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!!  
  
**Everyone turns around, stares at FrEaK**  
  
FrEaK: Anyways, this is the first immunity challenge. The winner gets 'immunity'. That means that they can't be voted off of the island. Here's the challenge: **points to behind him, where fucking huge rock wall is set up** Whoever is the first to get to the top of the rock wall wins immunity! Now, everyone get lined up behind the white line. **Everyone gets behind white line** GO!!  
  
**Everyone starts scaling the wall except Amarant and Quina**  
  
Amarant: HELL NO! I WANT to be voted out!  
  
Quina: What's a wall? A yummy-yummy?  
  
**Quina spots birds perched on top of wall**  
  
Quina: YUMMY-YUMMIES!!  
  
**Quina jumps on top of Steiner, knocking him 10 feet down into the sand. Then, Quina jumps on Zidane (almost killing him) and on top of the wall**  
  
Quina: YUMMIES!! **Eats birds. Feathers and blood come out of the corner of its mouth**  
  
FrEaK: Umm, well…it seems that Quina has won the immunity challenge! And can SOMEONE FRIGGIN GET STEINER AND ZIDANE MEDICAL HELP?!  
  
Steiner: OW, DANGIT!  
  
Zidane: …  
  
FrEaK: **sighs** Well, it seems that's the end of it. **pulls out tranquilizer gun** Now, to get everyone quiet until the tribal council is ready. **Pulls out elephant darts** This is for Quina.  
  
**Several hours later**  
  
FrEaK: OK, and we're back! It's time for the tribal council! Luckily, Steiner and Zidane can join us! Sadly, Steiner has had a mild concussion, and his personality may seem a bit different for a…little while. **giggles**  
  
**Steiner enters, looking a bit woozy, and Zidane, in full body cast, is carried to tribal council in a handcart.**  
  
Steiner: **Whistles at Quina** Hey baby! Whatcha doing later tonight?  
  
Zidane: … **gets wheeled next to everyone else**  
  
FrEaK: OK, and with that, let the voting begin! First up to vote: Quina.  
  
Quina: **Scribbles drawing of pizza on parchment, sticks it in pot** YUMMIES!  
  
FrEaK: Next up to vote: Amarant.  
  
Amarant: **Walks up, writes his own name of paper, sticks it in pot** FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, VOTE ME OUT NOW!!  
  
FrEaK: Next up – Zidane.  
  
**Zidane gets wheeled up. Stays up for a few minutes. Gets wheeled back**  
  
FrEaK: OK…well then, next up is Dagger.  
  
Dagger: **Walks up, writes Zidane on paper, puts it in pot** Ya owe me 5 dollars, homey!  
  
FrEaK: Now, Kupo.  
  
Kupo: **walks up, writes Dagger on paper, puts it in pot** Quina HAD to get fucking immunity…  
  
FrEaK: And, lastly, Steiner.  
  
Steiner: **Walks up, writes Amarant on paper, puts it in pot** He's sexy. And good looking. He's a risk to my pimpingness around here.  
  
FrEaK: And let's tally the votes…**tallies votes** Amarant is voted out!  
  
Amarant: YES!! **grabs his torch, does a little victory jig up to FrEaK**  
  
FrEaK: The decision is final you are voted out. **Extinguishes torch**  
  
Amarant: This is…the happiest moment…of my life!  
  
FrEaK: And thus concludes day 2. Hope to see you again on SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!  
  
Steiner: **To Quina** Hey, big lady. Wanna join my pimp party? Good protection…good pay…hey girl, this'll be the life!  
  
Dagger: **Slaps Steiner** You ass! At least let me join!  
  
Steiner: Hey, you're an ugly bitch. Join that Zidane pimp's party.  
  
Dagger: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME, HO, NOT DUMP ME!  
  
Steiner: What the hell you talking bout, bitch? **Points to Quina** I'm with this sexy…lady?  
  
Quina: Will there be yummy-yummies?  
  
FrEaK: OK, I'm disgusted again. CUT! 


	4. Day 3

SURVIVOR – FINL FANTASY STYLE!!  
  
Day 3  
  
FrEaK: Hello everyone, and welcome again to SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!! Some good news: Steiner has gotten out of his 'pimp' trance! However, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse now that Amarant has left the game.  
  
Kupo: Not really. He was an asshole, ya know? Anyways, now I'm the center of attention. That's cool.  
  
**FrEaK looks up, realizes that everyone except Quina is gathered around Kupo**  
  
FrEaK: **Walks over** **to Steiner** What's Kupo doing that's so important?  
  
Steiner: Well, you know how moogles can telepathically send messages to each other with their bon-bon?  
  
FrEaK: Yeah, what about it?  
  
Steiner: Well, Kupo's getting a friend to send him some porn, and he's showing it to us right now.  
  
FrEaK: **sighs** Oh…great, **Looks up, sees one of the pics** Let me in!  
  
Steiner: **SIGH**  
  
FrEaK: **Looks at the camera, is embarrassed** Oh, shit…um, PUT ON THE DAMN COMMERCIALS ALREADY!  
  
Zidane: …  
  
**Commercials come on**  
  
**Show comes on**  
  
FrEaK: OK, we want to try that again, so, starting on 3, 2, 1…  
  
Zidane: …  
  
**Everything flashes white for a second**  
  
FrEaK: Hello everyone, and welcome again to SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!! Some good news: Steiner has gotten out of his 'pimp' trance! However, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse now that Amarant has left the game.  
  
Kupo: Not really. He was an…  
  
FrEaK: **whispering to Kupo** SHUT UP! **Looking back at TV screen** Anyways, we have a very special treat for our viewers today! As you know, each of our contestants had to send in a tape saying why they should be allowed to be a contestant! Now, we are going to play Quina's entry tape!!  
  
**FrEaK pauses for a moment, stares at everyone gathered around Kupo**  
  
FrEaK: STOP STARING AT PORN AND GET OVER HERE ALREADY!  
  
Kupo: Oh – shit! **Runs up, quickly twirls his bon-bon** You didn't see anything.  
  
Zidane: …  
  
FrEaK: **Sighs** Just don't get any more porn from your friend, OK?  
  
Kupo: **blushes** Oh shit – you saw. Next you're gonna tell me you found my stash of mariju-**pauses** I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!  
  
FrEaK: **Is sighing way too often for his own good** Let's just start the entry tape!  
  
**Screen turns black for a second**  
  
**Quina appears in front of log cabin, forest**  
  
Quina: Me Quina! Me want join SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!  
  
**Screen turns black, Quina now sitting down for dinner**  
  
Quina: Me like yummy-yummies. I eat many yummies in where I live. As my tribe say, 'Leftovers good!' I eat many yummy-yummies, like frogs, Freya, and Kuja! But I get yelled at when I eat people…  
  
**Screen turns black again, Quina at graveyard**  
  
Quina: But some of the best yummy-yummies can be found here! **Digs up grave, eats rotten corpse** Yummy!!!  
  
**Screen turns black another time, now Quina is outside of house**  
  
Quina: Well, make me be in SURVIVOR – FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!  
  
**Screen turns white, and it's back to regular broadcast**  
  
Dagger: **Slaps Quina** YOU BITCH! YOU EAT BOTH MY HOMEYS!  
  
Kupo: **Waves hand in front of Dagger** Umm, hello gal, Kuja was our enemy. You WERE NOT supposed to fuck him!  
  
Dagger: That's what YOU SAY.  
  
Zidane: …  
  
FrEaK: I'm sick again. I thought THAT would never happen. This is FrEaK, leaving QUICK. Come back for day 4. 


	5. Day 4 - Tribal Council

SURVIVOR - FINAL FANTASY STYLE!! Day 4  
  
FrEaK: Welcome back to SURVIVOR - FINAL FANTASY STYLE!! As usual, our contestants have found something to bicker about.  
  
Kupo: **to everyone** Have you noticed that we always talk about the show as SURVIVOR - FINAL FANTASY STYLE!!?  
  
Dagger: Yeah, so what, ho?  
  
Kupo: We never say it any other way. It's always in all caps, with a dash, and two exclamation points. We CAN'T say it any other way!  
  
Quina: Oh, Final Fantasy Survivor?  
  
Kupo: **grumbles** Umm, err.well, she's too stupid. Steiner, you try saying it!  
  
Steiner: OK, here goes. Final Fantasy Surv-AARRGHHH!! **Steiner's brain makes a squishy sound**  
  
Zidane: .  
  
Steiner: **Pauses, looks around** **Sees Quina, whistles** Hey baby, Whatcha doing later tonight?  
  
Kupo: FUCK. I made him stupid again. **sighs**  
  
Dagger: Ya deserve it, ho. **bitch-slaps Kupo**  
  
Kupo: OW! I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd think this whole SURVIVOR - FINAL FANTASY STYLE!! Thing was an evil government conspiracy!  
  
FrEaK: **Points to helicopters in the sky** Umm, Kupo, that wasn't a smart thing to say.**Runs off and hides**  
  
**Helicopter lands, CIA agent gets out**  
  
CIA agent: We're looking for a Mr. Kupo?  
  
**Kupo hides behind a rock**  
  
Quina: Mr. Clean?  
  
CIA Agent: No, ma'am - er, sir - umm, well, no, we're looking for a Mr. Kupo. We have to kill him for finding out about a government conspiracy.**under his breath** and stealing all my crack.  
  
Quina: **doing little dance** Mista Clean Mista Clean, always Mista Clean!! **Mindless stupidity starts gnawing at the brains of helicopter pilots**  
  
Pilot: AARGH!! GET ME AWAY!!  
  
**Helicopter flies off**  
  
CIA Agent: WHAT THE HELL?! WAIT FOR ME, YOU BASTARDS!!  
  
FrEaK: Umm.errr.**tries to hold back laughter** Well, I guess you're our new survivor.**Bursts out in laughter**  
  
Quina: ALWAYS MR. CLEAN!!! **Falls down from dizziness on beach**  
  
Zidane: .  
  
CIA Agent: **Starts crying** Oh shit, I'm gonna have to live with fuck-ups from a video game!  
  
Kupo: **Gets out from behind rock** I RESENT THAT!  
  
CIA Agent: **pauses** Who are you?  
  
Kupo: **looks worried** Umm, err.I'm Rinto. I'm a.ghost. That.took up the body of a moogle. Yeah. That's it. **Under his breath** Shit, I'm bad at making up excuses.  
  
CIA Agent: **Pauses a bit** Umm, OK Rinto. Nice to meet you. Oh, if you ever see a character named Kupo, kill him. He's a real bad ass. **whispering** And I'll give you some crack if you say that I'm the one that did it.  
  
Kupo: **Smiles, thinks of evil thoughts** OK, yes.**wonders when he can get his brother on the island**  
  
FrEaK: Well then, Agent-dude, what's your name?  
  
CIA Agent: **looks straight at FrEaK** I am. **Does evil pinky-to-mouth thingy** **Super deep voice** Agent Smith.  
  
FrEaK: OK then, Smith, welcome to the tribe! This is Quina, this is Steiner, this is Zidane, this is Kupo-  
  
Kupo: Rinto.  
  
FrEaK: Sorry. This is Rinto, and, lastly, this is Daggah-Ho.  
  
Smith: That's a weird name..  
  
FrEaK: Her real name's Dagger, but she got a bit messed up somewhere.  
  
Kupo: Welcome in, Smith!  
  
Quina: Hey-a! What's YOUR name! **falls down again**  
  
Dagger: Rrowr. Hey, hot stuff. **Strokes Smith** I can bring you the world.for $1.00 a minute.  
  
Smith: I'm liking Daggah-ho already.  
  
Steiner: **glances at Smith** Don't be a risk to my pimpingness now, hear?  
  
Zidane: .  
  
FrEaK: **Looks at watch** HOLY SHIT! I FORGOT! TRIBAL COUNCIL! **glances around quickly** uhh, shit.Smith, you have immunity. Let's get our asses to the Council.  
  
Smith: Umm.OK. Cool.  
  
Zidane: .  
  
**Ads come on**  
  
**Show comes on. Everyone's at tribal council**  
  
FrEaK: C'mon, assholes, we're pressed for time! Move it, move it! Get your ass in line, whoever's quickest votes first!  
  
**Everyone rushes up except Zidane**  
  
FrEaK: Move it, Zidane! .Oh yeah. **Gets janitor to carry him over** **under his breath** god damn cripples.  
  
**Everyone's finished voting**  
  
FrEaK: OK, and let's see the votes!  
  
**Pulls out first vote. Picture of hamburger on it.**  
  
FrEaK: QUINA, STOP IT WITH THE FOOD, DAMNIT!!  
  
**Pulls out second vote. 'Steinah-bitch' written on it**  
  
FrEaK: OK, Dagger voted for Steiner.  
  
**Pulls out third vote. Quina written on it**  
  
FrEaK: Hmm.good handwriting.Smith voted for Quina!  
  
Quina: Is that bad?  
  
**Pulls out fourth vote. Quina written on it. Drool all over vote.**  
  
FrEaK: Kupo voted for Quina. Also, please stop looking at the porn your friend sends you, OK?!  
  
Kupo: She DID eat me, ya know. And I'm ignoring that last comment.  
  
**Pulls out fifth vote - blank paper**  
  
FrEaK: That's Zidane's vote.  
  
**Pulls out sixth vote. Dagger written on it**  
  
FrEaK: And, Steiner voted for Dagger to leave!  
  
Steiner: Yeah, Dagger, you an ugly bitch!!  
  
**Dagger bitch-slaps Steiner**  
  
FrEaK: **looks at watch again.* Shit. We've been on for too long. WellQuinaIsKickedOutGoodbyeYouAllSeeYouAgainForSURVIVOR- FINALFANTASYSTYLE!!Day5. 


End file.
